Depressing and Boring
I was kinda scared to do this. I feel like a failure. It has been 3 days since I tracked. I haven't walked. I am drinking beer and eating wedges (that I stole from the boys tea). I have lost the plot .. and at the moment I don't care ... I just wanna be like every other person who eats and doesn't worry about there weight. I know that people at my work place look up to me because I have lost weight ... I appreciate that they (like today) ask my advice and pick my brains about losing weight .. but today I just wanna be me ... Nancy Bouverie (don't ask!).
My favourite ex workmate has been sick for a while. They thought he had water on the lungs but kept him in for tests for a week. He hasn't got water on the lungs he has lung cancer. He doesn't smoke, he seldom drinks, he is 50ish but still goes for weekend hikes and plays tennis. How the fuck does that work? I am trying to figure why the hell I am working my arse off trying to improve my weight, my health and my diet. He was healthy, fit and had a great diet and he has cancer. People can chain smoke all their lives and by cancer free. It sucks. It is depressing and when I found out I cried.
Yesterday I had the meeting in Dunedin. Great. BF and I also went around the schools of his children. At 10am we wanted a stiff drink. We spent four hours in the afternoon going through shit with C1s mother. I lost my cool. BF lost his cool. She didn't give a shit. She is still wanting C1 back. C1s lawyer said it is never going to happen. C1's mother wants to have access with C1 - for a trillion reasons we have said no. c1's lawyer and social worker agree with us. We still have to go through the reasons with her. It is tiring and depressing. We just go round and round in circles. Six months later we will go around the same circles .... but six months later after the court order lifted we will have to go round and round in circles in the family court.
I have eaten heaps, I have drunk heaps, I haven't wanted to diet. I never want to have to watch what I eat again. I am tired and I am sick of it ... but I can't fucken give up. I can't just give up like this .. just because I want to eat everything in sight doesn't mean I can give up .. I don't want to be a failure. I want to be Nancy Bouverie the one who lost the weight. Nancy Bouverie the one who achieved her goal and showed everyone else that I can stick to it .. I can do it ... and Nancy Bouverie the girl who wore a bikini in front of Italian Stallions
Fuck it .. I am back on my diet again tomorrow ... but tonight I am going to drink, eat and cry :-(
My favourite ex workmate has been sick for a while. They thought he had water on the lungs but kept him in for tests for a week. He hasn't got water on the lungs he has lung cancer. He doesn't smoke, he seldom drinks, he is 50ish but still goes for weekend hikes and plays tennis. How the fuck does that work? I am trying to figure why the hell I am working my arse off trying to improve my weight, my health and my diet. He was healthy, fit and had a great diet and he has cancer. People can chain smoke all their lives and by cancer free. It sucks. It is depressing and when I found out I cried.
Yesterday I had the meeting in Dunedin. Great. BF and I also went around the schools of his children. At 10am we wanted a stiff drink. We spent four hours in the afternoon going through shit with C1s mother. I lost my cool. BF lost his cool. She didn't give a shit. She is still wanting C1 back. C1s lawyer said it is never going to happen. C1's mother wants to have access with C1 - for a trillion reasons we have said no. c1's lawyer and social worker agree with us. We still have to go through the reasons with her. It is tiring and depressing. We just go round and round in circles. Six months later we will go around the same circles .... but six months later after the court order lifted we will have to go round and round in circles in the family court.
I have eaten heaps, I have drunk heaps, I haven't wanted to diet. I never want to have to watch what I eat again. I am tired and I am sick of it ... but I can't fucken give up. I can't just give up like this .. just because I want to eat everything in sight doesn't mean I can give up .. I don't want to be a failure. I want to be Nancy Bouverie the one who lost the weight. Nancy Bouverie the one who achieved her goal and showed everyone else that I can stick to it .. I can do it ... and Nancy Bouverie the girl who wore a bikini in front of Italian Stallions
Fuck it .. I am back on my diet again tomorrow ... but tonight I am going to drink, eat and cry :-(
Posted by Nancy Bou at 8:00 PM::
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11 Comments:
Nancy Bouverie if I was there I would come to your house, give you a big hug, and cry with you. I am crying now and I needed to so thanks. I am not sure I would share your beer but I would have a wedge or ten. With sour cream. And chilli sauce. And ooh do you have any grainy mustard because I LOVE wedges with grainy mustard.
Cancer sucks. Illness sucks. Feeling sad and confused and helpless sucks even more. Your friend will need you to be strong for him later - have this time now. You will feel better for it.
I am sorry that you have to go through the wringer every 6 months but very happy for you that the people in power are on your side. I hope that it makes it just a little bit easier to go through.
**big hugs to you my friend**. Do what you need to do - no regrets, no recriminations, and pick it up in the morning.
*mwah*
So sorry about your friend. Life is so unfair sometimes.
Sounds like you are having a really stressful time at the moment and you need to look after yourself. Try and do something nice for yourself this weekend. Take care and hope you are soon feeling better.
Nancy, I wish I could give you a big hug. Life is just so unfair sometimes.
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. My friend's father died of lung cancer when we were 16. Like your friend, he had never smoked and was pretty much the epitome of a healthy, natural lifestyle. Why it happened to him of all people I will never know. He was a lovely man, and I miss him.
Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better. Don't feel guilty - like you said, tomorrow's another day, you can keep going.
Lots of hugs to you, take care
xo xo xo
Sorry to hear things are so hard for you at the moment. I think everyone who tries to lose weight goes through periods of wanting to be normal. It's hard work. People say you "just" have to eat healthy but that's not as easy as it sounds - the constant tracking and weighing and making sure what you eat is indeed healthy and not some fatty bucket o' lard in a healthy disguise.
Look after yourself, sounds like you need some "me" time.
Sorry to hear things aren't going so well at the moment *big hugs*
dont stress about the tracking, 3 days is nothing in the big picture...
you've definatley got lots on your mind and going around you, look after yourself...
Big hugs to you, i understand the feeling of not wanting to worry about every little thing that we eat!
Sorry to hear about your friend - my healthy mother in law dies of cancer quite a while ago!
It just is not fair!!
Hope you are feeling a little better today:)
Life sucks sometimes and all you can do is your best. When you don't want to track and watch what you eat because it all seems to hard - think of how much harder it will be to lose the weight that you have already lost because you put it on again.
I can't begin to imagine what you must be going through but I can sympathise with the situation you are in - it is something that you don't have control over and you are at the mercy of others (to a certain extent) but you do have control over what goes into your mouth - don't give that control away to anyone !
Hang in there - lotsa hugs and hope you feel better soon !
Me
Sorry to hear about your friend. We all deal with these things in our own way! Chin up and be supportive to your friend. They will cherish that more than anything. The only advice I can really give you is to not beat around the bush about things. Talk to them if you want to know anything and let them know you are there for them. I am going through the exact same thing with a guy from my work who has just left the office to go and get hooked up to another lot of chemo-therapy. He was first diagnosed in Oct 2003 with bowel cancer (operation successful) and then in Feb 2004 with liver cancer and fighting ever since. He appreciates that we don't baby him or smother him. We treat him just the same way but we are a little more wary for our surroundings especially if it can effect him in any way.
On the other hand, you have come so far and you have to admit you feel so much better about yourself. Please don't let what is happening to someone else effect your hard work and efforts. I look at it this way - If anything was to happen to me then being fitter and healthier would give me a much better chance at fighting it! Doing what we are doing is not for nothing - It's for everything! Chin up hun. You will be OK. XX
Sometimes you just need to go to that place, experience it, live the emotions, and then come out the other side, more on track, and inspired. I'm sure you'll be feeling better soon, i really hope so. xxx
Hi Nancy. Just wanted to pop in to see how you are going. Hope that you found some sunshine over the weekend *hugs*
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