Being a Big Girl

Sometimes .. even though I am smaller ... I have to remember how to big a big girl. I am not talking about wearing massive jeans or the numbers on the scales. I am talking about facing life head on.

5 days I will be in Italy ... but at the moment I am so f'n sad!

My ex- mother in law (well ex-bf's mother) is in hospital at the moment ... again... something is wrong with her heart .. again. I rung my ex bf and it was so strange .. we have both grown up so much since we used to live together .. it is so strange. We can be civil and we can joke and it is like fitting into an old pair of pjs ... feels so strange but at the same time feels so good. He used to know me better than anyone. I dunno.

I have to go see Dave tomorrow. By BF is making me. Dave is dying from lung cancer and I am too scared to see him. I will cry (I am crying now just thinking about it). He is going to die. There is nothing I can do about it. I have to see him before hand otherwise I am going to regret it but I know I am going to go there tomorrow and cry in front of him and he doesn't need that. I don't know what to sat to him but I know that what ever I say is going to sound so stupid ... sometimes life sucks big time.

And ... (I am so dramatic tonight) .. I know something about a family member through work ... if I tell someone then I could theoretically lose my job .. but if I don't then I know that the family member has lied and could get herself in serious trouble. Hmmm... could let that happen but I can't. Damn me being so goddamn nice.

Gonna have to do some serious thinking and figure out how to handle all this .. within 5 days ...


xxxxx

Lightbulb moment ....

I have been feeling rather sorry for myself lately. Life seems to be humming along quite nicely .. except for my weight loss. I am now sitting at 73 kgs but have been making none, or half-arsed efforts, to lose weight. Stupid girl! I puddle around and decide one morning I am going to start again but then something tempts me (food related) or I have an excuse not to exercise (weather related). I then kid myself that I am happy with the way I am anyway and I don't really need to lose any more. Or I tell myself that my body is just sitting at 73 kgs because maybe that is as low as it wants to go.

As I said stupid.

I am going to Italy soon .. in 23 days to be exact.

My family over there have not seen me since I started losing weight. To be honest they would have seen me last when I was hovering in the high 90s. I want to blow there socks off. I know I will already but at the moment (to quote Shania Twain) .. 'man I feel fat!". I have some how though convinced myself that it doesn't matter. They will notice the difference anyway. But I really want to get into the 60s. That was my goal. I want to feel slim again. Not fat. I want to feel confident in my dress. I want to feel confident in my skin. I want to show those Italians what Kiwi girls are made of.

Most of this year seems to have been geared around getting 6 of us on a plane in 23 days. My parents - they can organise themselves. But I have had to organise two boys, my partner and me.

This is a portion of the list.

Passports - done
Supporting letters from CYFS to get C1 overseas - done
Money saved - done
Clothes bought - done
Cats booked into cattery - done
Organised time off work/school - done
Tanning my white fat body - being done
Gearing up to go on a plane (without picturing falling from the sky - I am rather scared of flying) - almost done - not helped though when I started reading a book which described a plane hitting the earth...
Letters from doctors to get C2's medication through customs - done
Wedding present bought - done
Speaking Italian - disaster (but hey clever C2 can count to 10 in Italian and say a few words - he will do!)

Weight loss - forgotten about. Bugger! Actually to be honest. Ignored.

I am home sick today. I have ignored blog land for weeks (maybe even months). I clicked on to a few blogs this morning and saw people not succeeding 100% all the time but damn they were giving it a good go. What sort of person would I be to just give up now? Bugger it - if you guys can just keep on putting one foot in front of the other and doing this then I bloody well am not going to let the side down.

For the next 23 days I am concentrating on getting Fat Nancy as close to those wonderful 60s numbers as I can. One foot in front of the other. Just keep on going. I am not going to make a long involved complicated plan. The answer is right where I knew it was. Eat the right amount of points, exercise and stick to it. Simple.

'You never fail until you stop trying'