Numbers ......

Amazing. Two posts in one day. Wanted to have this one in a seperate entry because this is a big thing for me. I tried to post this on the day that it happened but didn't have time.

February 25nd 2006 .. my first birthday! One year since I started losing weight for real!

I have no idea why this time this has worked with so many other times I have failed. Maybe it is like learning to walk - we try once and fall over, try again and fall over but then one time it just clicks and we starting taking steps. Ok we fall over again every now and then but we aren't scared to pick ourselves up and take another step. I still haven't mastered this whole thing yet. I still fall over on a regular basis but I have still covered quite a distance.

One year ago I was 95 kgs and more (never had an official start weight). My BMI was 30+. My clothes were huge, I was huge and I was unhappy.

In one year I have lost 22.4 kgs (weighed in at 72.6 on 22nd). That is 44.8 blocks of butter! My BMI is now 23. But these are just numbers. My achievements are obvious more in the things I do and the way that I feel.

My brain has taken a long time to catch up with my body. I now no longer see myself as fat. Ok my thighs are too big, my arms are still too flabby, I am never going to be a big fan of my own arse! But I am ok with myself, I am accepting of myself (generally). My BF no longer has to go shopping with me .. we used to play this wee game when I went shopping for clothes, even up until a couple of months ago - I would like something and want to try it on and would choose an XL top or a size 20 trousers. BF would go along behind me and swap them for a smaller size. I would be suprised when I tried them on and they fitted me. BF would look smug, give me a smile and the thumbs up. I no longer need to take BF with me. I can now go shopping all by myself (although I still have that sense of suprise when I try something on smaller and it fits me).

Looking back I feel so sad that I wasted a lot of my life being overweight. I am still relatively young (under 30) but have missed out on doing so many things because I was conscious of my size. I have lived countless summers living in huge jeans and t-shirts paranoid that I couldn't wear shorts because I would just look wrong. My body was not only fat but white. I never let the sun and my body meet. Now picture this ...."Fat Nancy" lying on a bean bag in the BBQ area, cold cold beer in one hand, book in the other. The sound of a lawnmower next door, a jet ski on the river. Sun beaming down, gentle breeze off the sea. Nancy tanning herself in board shorts and a bikini top .......... that is right - board shorts and bikini top! This is what I am talking about!

No numbers can ever express the feeling of the sun on your body on a beautiful summers day.

No numbers can ever express the feeling of joy of walking into a regular clothing shop and not having to buy the largest size there!

No numbers can ever express the sense of pride of knowing that I did this. Goddamed I have actually done this. I may not be at my goal quite yet but I can guarantee you two things: (1) I am bloody well going to do it and (2) when I reach my goal it is still not going to be just about the numbers.

Now just cos I can here is a few of photos of me ...

Remember these .....???








What about these!?

Just a wee difference do you think?

Wow ... does anyone hear that? That, my lovelys, is the sound of peace and quiet at home! That never happens! I am actually home sick today which is why, aside from the cats, Jo and Gloria, I have the house all too myself.

A few major things have happened lately which would explain my lack of blogging. Biggest one is that, shock horror, we have been banned from using the internet at work for anything but work related things! Aaaaahhhh! How I am supposed to update my blog and catch up on everyone in blog land if I can't spend my 40 working hours using the internet? It just seems so hard to find the time at home! Both boys are back to school now which means tai kwon do, ATC, swimming lessons, croquet games etc have all started up too. Mix that up with my walks, exercises etc and there really is not enough hours in the day.

Our work, aside from cutting out the internet(!), has monthly competitions amongst the different teams in the building. Each month a team choses a wee team building competition which generally seem to involve food (foods of the world, death by chocolate, muffin day .. get the drift!) ... this month, food unrelated, we are having the Oscars so each team had to decorate their area based on a movie. My team chose Titanic and I was chosen to organise it. So much work went into it. The whole of the weekend the BF and I were paper maching (sp) an iceburg, making a titanic ship out of cardboard, making life preservers etc. Was quite fun but so time consuming. Today was the day (and I missed it cos of being sick) .. hope we went ok. My boss organised some sailor costumes, I organised two team members to dress up as Jack and Rose and we set up a wee dining room based on the Titanic also. Will find out tomorrow if we won an Oscar!

Without going into too many boring details, we have been having a battle with BF's ex-wife over access with his daughter (who is 6). The ex-wife threatened to take us to court, BF was not prepared to do this as we thought it was unnecessary so BF has given up access rights to his daughter. Has been a rather long, confusing battle really and BF knows he has made the right decision. While feeling sad for BF I are really quite pleased. Is that totally mean of me? It has been rather a strained 'relationship' between the ex-wife and myself and I have totally had enough of her personal attacks on us. I understand that she doesn't have to like me and I don't expect her to. I don't expect, however, to be told that we are lesser people because we don't always dress up, because we don't have our own 'personal cell phones', that BF is not a nice person because he doesn't even shave every day (I kid you not!), that while we have a coffee table we can tip upside and the children can use as a pirate ship, or a counter in a shop, that we are not up to the ex-wifes standard because her coffee table is glass plated. We don't have a new large car, nor a brand new BBQ, a new lounge suite or a large wine rack but it doesn't make us sub-standard humans (although in her opinion we are). I don't also expect to be told that we can't have BF's daughter to visit because we don't feed her McDonalds every Saturday, that we actually make her eat salad sandwichs (obviously a big no-no), that we don't do enough with her - we take her to the beach, the river, set up the paddling pool outside, read with her, talk with her but we don't take her shopping and let her watch TV all day ..... see I am a bitch!

C1 and C2 are (fingers crossed) being taken camping for a weekend by my ex's parents on the 11th of March. BF and I have so not had a weekend to ourselves for ages so have big plans! Going to go and visit BF's sister who lives a couple of hours drive away and stay with her for the night. Can't wait. Will be so nice to just pack up the car and go.

And .. in case anyone wants to know .. Nancy's number for the day is 86. That is right. 86. 86 more days to go until I go to Italy. How goddam exciting is that!

xx

Feelings ...

I have experienced such a range of feelings and emotions since starting this journey nearly one year ago. I have felt elation at the first few kilos lost, wonder at achieving my goals where before I have failed. I have had manic feelings towards the scales - there have been times when I could have kissed them and placed them on a pedestal and others times I could have carried them to the highest building and chucked them off the roof (after kicking the sh*t out of them). I have felt appreciation for all the hundreds of wonderful compliments I have received. I have felt such tiredness after waking up time and time again at 5.30/6 am to fit in a walk. I have felt jealousy towards other who just eat all my 'bad foods' without even blinking an eyelid! I have felt such wonder at the amazing people I have met through Blogland - a year ago I knew none of you and now you are so important to me.

I have felt despair, jubilation, guilt, happiness, such great sadness, such great pride in myself ..........


Session at the Gym: $6.00
Sports Bra: $14.95
Pedometer for Counting Steps: $19.95
Swiss Ball: $34.95
Favourite Walking Shoes: $129.95
Feeling of Fitting in a Little Black Dress: Priceless

:o)

Warning ... Fat Photos Ahead!

... well ... these are my fat photos. Fair is fair ... everyone else has posted 'before' photos ... I hate posting them on here for all to see but this is what I used to look like. I was 95 kilos + but think I was probably closer to or above the 100kg mark .. I can't believe I used to look like this!













I looked so goddamed sad too :-(

... it just goes on and on ...

after my wee chip escapade at lunch time (see earlier post) it got worse! That is right ladies and gentlemen .. it just got worse ... a handful or two of spring onion chips before tea, a tea which consisted of crumb chicken pieces and sweet chilli sauce, rounded off nicely with a few big handfuls of corn chips, swallowed down with diet coke ..... what the hell? .. I shouldn't have drunk that today ... it has no points! I apologise what was I thinking .. have a zero point drink at the end of a glutinous day! Sheesh .. can't even binge and overeat right today!

I now feel so full and so sick. But I suppose I have to look on the bright side .. I am being honest, I am still alive and tomorrow is another day. I won't wake up 95kgs again and I won't have to replace all of my fat clothes simply because I ate like Fat Nancy today.

I am still Thinner Nancy .. just a very full, heavy feeling version.

Without making excuses I have had a lot of things on my mind lately and I think today was just one of those 'back off I have had enough' days.
Had a big moan to my boss's boss (my big boss) about my team at work. The team that won't cover my 5-6 pm shifts so I can have two uninterrupted days off (after everyone had 2 weeks + off over Christmas). Told her I was not happy and I thought we were supposed to be a team and that we should all pull together and help each other out. She has also noticed that certain members in my team don't give a fuck (basically) and just look after number one but she is going to work on making sure that everyone is willing to cover for other people.
I have also had passport forms to finish and sort out, lawyers letters to do for BF, emails to CYFS re the other children, family assistance forms for us plus my actual work work and I had just had enough! My ex mother in law has had a go at me today (again) for some stupid reason! And I couldn't even work today cos of my stupid sore foot!

I have a case of the grumps. I got out on the wrong side of the bed.

but ... as my ex father in law says 'every day is a beautiful day even when it is a shitty today' ... so today .. just another beautiful, but shitty, day (he also says 'if it feels good don't do it' .. but that is another entirely different conversation) ..

must go my diet coke is beckoning

xx

I have ...

a confession .. I had hot chips for lunch today ... I shouldn't have .. it was bad and has thrown me over points (or will once I have tea). The worse bit is I actually really enjoyed them and I would probably have them again if could go back!

I have had one of those awful 'disjointed' days today. Nothing seems to have gone to plan. I woke up to go for a walk, got a block away and developed a sore foot. I have a big sore on my heel and even putting sticking plasters over it doesn't help. I am annoyed that I have to come in for one hour each day to work instead of being able to take full time off. I am annoyed that BF and the children get to be home today and I still have to work and I am really pissed off that even though I am working BF still gets me to do wee jobs for him while I am working and during my breaks!

I am tired, grumpy and want to go home and spend time by myself

Not sure why I am feeling like this all of a sudden. I have been so positive for days now but today I just can't be fucked (mind the language!).

Had better go before I depress you all

xx